Another Year Down

Well I welcome my 22nd year of life with a smile on my face and gratitude to where the last year has led me. While many people take the time to do this on New Years starting with new resolutions and goals for a new  year, I think people have it all wrong. Why do it when the years changes, we wouldn't be who we are without a day of birth. So reflecting back on my 21st year of life I take time to soak all up and to really be thankful and happy for another day of birth. What better way to do that than through some photos!

In a year I have learned a lot and maybe I am more aware because I am a year wiser (highly doubtful). From going out for my first legal drink I rang in a new year with friends and Phil and Sam. I spent time with family on the boat as well. I have gained a second family working for the family I work for in Kalamazoo and get to hang out with two now three amazing boys, they help me my soul young. I experienced what it was like to tackle a long distance relationship with a boy who works for the Tigers and the perks that come with that as well as the highs and unfortunate lows. I also did things this past summer like sail for the first time with Caroline what a blast. We welcomed new comers to decorate cookies. I moved into a new place that I call home in Kalamazoo and started from scratch decorating, making it cozy and adjusting to living with a new roommate. We welcomed Christmas with a real tree and decorations. I took up a new hobby of mountain biking and love it! I learned to enjoy different types of music by attending it in concert. I welcomed a new sister and threw a bridal shower and stood in the wedding. Family growing is pretty awesome if I do say so myself. I realized how fantastic Britt is as a person and friend and was able to celebrate her birthday in October and she made a couple trips to see me in Kalamazoo for a night out and a night in -- both times classics! I have also become close to others and it is so refreshing to be surrounded by people who lift you up, make you experience experiences I wouldn't normally do (paintballing, etc.) and having your back always. I had the opportunity to finish a year of course work and teach a awesome young man who is something else and that smile above still gets me and puts a smile on my face and giggle in my belly. I conquered a 10k, now on to a half marathon. I experience friends and Brads life accomplishments. I have struggled and dealt with family trials and health, and I am firm believer it makes us all stronger. 

All of these events and there are many I am forgetting have shaped and led me to so much & as this year bring another birthday I take a moment to realize that my birthday marks a month from being back from Africa. What a beautiful thing, what a beautiful thing that experience has done to me and how it has shaped me. I think it is a good day to celebrate!

I start my 22nd year of life with a bang! I wanna take all the good in and be away with the bad and negative life sucking things in my life. I want to laugh more, live more, do more, help more. Be more. I wanna make new friends and become closer with the old ones and filter out the ones who don't care. Life is too short to not be living it. And with each new year we are blessed with the good fortunes of getting yet another shot at living life to its fullest and embracing it all. After all laughter, friends, family, the goals in which I set for myself are good they are rejuvenating. And like never before I am motivated and driven in a whole new way. Here is to my 22nd year of life where changes will happen, memories will be made, pictures will capture those moments, and laughter will be had followed with those tears that are necessary to fill the scars and burns that life will always throw our way. 

Happy Birthday to me! And thank you to all who made my birthday celebrations so truly special --- you all are amazing && I love you!

*****

NEW && IMPROVED!

FollowThrough has a new look with new changes and links, etc. I plan to post more about it soon, until then keep reading, keep smiling & keep loving!

One last thing -- I want to end this post with something Britt wrote in my birthday card, I love it and it really sums up the essence of this whole post:

"I hope that your birthday brings you great joy, but more importantly I hope that each day from here on out brings you great joy. That you will be able to wake up each day and be reminded of this one thing 'This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.- Psalm 118:24 --- Make every second of your 22nd year count!"

Thank you!

This post is far overdue and so necessary and today feels like a good day to be thankful for all of you!

My parents. They both deserve a standing ovation for parenting and allowing all three of us to run free. They have to think I am crazy by now, but I'd like to think that they know I know what I'm doing. I have been so blessed with great parents who let me chase after my crazy dreams and who never set limits on what I can do. They have continually encouraged and allowed me to do what my heart feels. I have no clue where this drive and desire to go do good comes from but I have to give credit to my parents. They have allowed us to grow up on a childhood where we could do and be whatever we wanted to do. And while some times parent child relationships can bring its challenges they have never, ever held my brothers and I back from doing whatever we wanted to do. While they might not always agree with the decisions or desires we believe are the best, they always allowed us to figure out for ourselves. When approached with the desire to go to Africa they were not hesitant to let me go (well maybe, but I never felt a doubt). That is something truly remarkable. It is easy to take for granted parents and I have learned that while being in Dakar. There have been times where I have felt held back, and clipped of the wings to fly. However with Dakar I really let go, I went out on a limb and thankfully I was able to have the support of my parents. I will never truly be able to tell them how thankful I am for all that they do and have done for our family and for each one of us individually. I know that the three of us kids are different from one another and each of us strive for different things and want different things out of life, however my parents create a bond that hold us all together and allows us to build off of each others strengthens and weaknesses. That is something truly remarkable and heartwarming. I hope one day to be able to provide my children with the lifestyle, hopes, dreams, and motivations that I have been so blessed with. It is not every child who can say that they have had parents who have allowed them to do or be whatever they have wanted to be, luckily I am one who can say that. And I want to let my parents know I am truly thankful for that. They allowed me to travel half way around the world and embark on a journey one in its own and to truly embrace and touch the lives of others without any question as to why. And even since i have returned I have been moved by the motivation and determination to keep doing more.It is with their guidance, love, support, and times of space that has allowed me thrive and flourish into who I am becoming as an adult. And while I still need their guidance and love as I mature into an adult I know that with what they have given me throughout the years I will continue to grow and flourish into whom ever I want to become. And I will always know, and want them to know, that it is due to their continued love and support and their guidance to this point in my life. I owe a great deal of thankfulness, love, and gratitude to them. Without their love and support I would not have been able to travel abroad and would not feel the motivation and movement towards my future. I love them with all my heart and am from the bottom of my heart thankful for both of you. I love you.

Bradley. Thank you for reminding me to keep dreaming and to follow my own dreams. Although the thought of me being half way around the world was quite the change to our relationship you never once hesitated for me to go, and for that I am so beyond thankful. I am so thankful for you being part of my life and bringing me such joy and happiness and always pushing me to keep reaching for more and doing what my heart tells me to do. I am also so thankful for those numerous FaceTime chats where all I could do was cry. I tried to seal it up with a bow and nice colorful wrapping paper however you have a way of breaking me down and making me feel comfortable enough to not keep it all locked up and to let it out. Thank you for sticking with me through it all and being so supportive and encouraging throughout my whole time prior, during and after. You have really been a trooper.I am so thankful for being in a relationship that challenges each other to be all that we can be all while challenging our relationship to new heights.We have grown so much in this past year and I think Dakar has only helped flourish us. You are amazing and you continue to encourage me and chase your own dreams daily and that is something that is contagious and inspiring. Your love is so great and your drive and passion for living life is something my life needed almost six years ago. I love you so much, thank you, thank you, thank you (it's real ;)). 

Family.Not many will say that they have traveled to Africa in their lifetime. However my family both Matt and Phil and all my relatives have been so supportive throughout this whole process.Both sides of my family have been amazing and that is not a fair enough statement. I do not think I took into account the importance of family as much as I do now prior to leaving. Family is such a crucial part of life. It is within family that you find your greatest strength, your greatest encouragement, and most importantly love. Throughout this whole process I have felt so loved. By all people in my life. Thank you to all family members who encourage me to present my findings, share my stories and photos, and who have been so overwhelming proud of what I have done. While I do not need people to be proud of me, it motivates me to keep doing something positive. While being gone my brother proposed to his girlfriend, Sam, and that in itself is something so special. I am so thankful both of my brothers have found someone who will continue to encourage, support,and love them in their life goals and families. Family will continue to grow and flourish in love and with that comes greatness in this great world. Thank you family for doing that to me, for expanding my heart in love and passion for what I believe in and for backing me up in every step of my life. 

Friends. Whether you are part of my co-hort, friends from high school, friends from college, friends from family, or strangers awaiting to become friends. I thank you.You have given me words of encouragement and praise and have moved me to want to do great things not only while abroad but upon my return.Your words prior to departure reassured me what I was doing was meant to be and while over there I felt so blessed and praised upon my departure and return. A special shout out goes to Brittany for being such a motivator and encourager and one who has allowed me to take my time processing it all and filtering through it all, you are amazing and that is an understatement. And while I categorize all that have supported me under the category of 'friends' please know that each one of you is considered as family and are not truly getting the recognition you truly and wholeheartedly deserve.I am beyond words in thanking all of you for the financial, kinds words, prayers, sweet messages and posts while on this journey! Without you I would not be the person I am today and for that I am forever grateful for whatever path lead me or you into my life.  So THANK YOU for all that you have done and continue to do friends. You are all so truly special!

Jen aka 'Fish'. It is still so silly to me how a trip and a passion for a career brought us to Dakar and to share a bed together for three weeks. It makes me giggle writing this because you and I didn't really know each other but we still chose our seats next to each other and roomed together on a limb. Little did I know that the limb we went out on would form such a bond and friendship. I honestly do not think you will ever truly know how much you mean to me and how much you have done for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sitting with me through the tears, venting, laughing, crying, shouting, all of it with me for three weeks. I tried to explain to someone about you and  my trip and in all honesty you are the one who got me through it. I am forever grateful for the experience that you and I and the rest of us went on, but you get me in a way not many do and you got me in just a few short days. I have a hard time putting it all in to words, but you are truly a top notch person and will forever hold a special spot in my heart. I will never forget one of our last nights in Dakar and me ironing our clothes and absolutely losing it while talking to you, thank you for the words that you spoke but mainly for all the unspoken things. You allowed me to feel emotions that I never knew existed without feeling judged and accepted me for the vulnerable girl that I was through this whole experience. You held my hand through it all and made me giggle, laugh things off, cry things off, and just go "only in Africa." You didn't have to say a words and you didn't need to give me a hug, I knew you got where I was coming from and you let me talk and cry it out. That night was raw that night was real, and that night will mean so  much to me for the rest of my life. That night I found a friend, I saw what it was like to accepted, loved, and understood. I wish there were better words to form exactly what I am thinking and feeling but this will have to suffice. Just know that I am beyond words thankful for all that you have done, continue to do without knowing, and all that you are. This probably sounds like some love letter to you, but I think we both plus all who traveled with us will understand that it probably is some form of love and that no one should question us, ha ha ha (only you will probably understand this part lol). And yes I am balling writing this, with laughter through the tears because I am crying because of what is in my heart not able to express on my blog but laughing because I can hear you asking me "KATIE WHY ARE YOU CRYING."  You are my fish to my chips. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

A fire has been lit for me to continue to following my dreams and heart. And that is something that is so truly remarkable. Through the heartache, the laughter, through it all I have been so unbelievable blessed with kind souls and hearts who have made this all possible. Through all the prayers and so much more I have been able to experience an amazing and life changing experience that will forever impact and change and shape my life. And for that no words truly will express how thankful, grateful, and appreciative I am for what everyone has done.

So many doors have opened up and so many opportunities have come about and I can only be humbled and grateful for all that has come from me traveling abroad. With that, I would once again like to extend my deepest and most heartfelt gratitude for all of you who have supported, loved, prayed, and kept me reaching for more. You have been such an inspiration and motivation for me. And I hope to continue to share my life journey with you all. 

Finally writing this all out has shown me and opened a new door for me to finally accept that I am changed. My heart. My mind. My soul are forever molded and changed. And that is such a beautiful thing, it really truly is.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

BLESSED!

Timing

If there is one thing that has been ever present since my return home it would be timing. From the get go of ever deciding to travel to Dakar timing played a crucial role in my decisions.

A week or so ago a babies time to enter this world was due, however it wasn't the right timing for that little man to make his debut and now a week later as I sit and ramble in a new post, that little man is making his timing count by making us wait patiently as he makes his world appearance. And with his delay came time for me to escape from Kalamazoo and visit with Bradley, which I missed greatly. I can't put my finger on one specific moment that made the time with Brad so great, but if there is one thing I can take away from my trip it would be quality time, and that is what the past five days have been quality time spent with a quality guy. And within that time away from the hustle and bustle of being back in Kalamazoo I found quiet moments in which I was able to sit down, reflect, and put my memories into words that is due to the University tomorrow [its already turned in].

July fourth brought about many family traditions that are easy to take for granted however the simplicity and time well spent with family is top notch. The day was a hot one however it was with my family so it didn't matter. It was finally time for me to face the music and to share my pictures and stories from my journey. I did it, yes, but it was hard. I showed pictures with smiles and stories to follow but I relived it all. And while I relived it I was reminded that I wasn't in Dakar I was in Ludington and that my belly was full, my heart felt loved and I was surrounded by family. It was fulfilling, but also a sting overtook me because I was finally forced to share my sacred memories and feelings and to showcase those little faces that stole my heart forever. I held back the tears I swollowed that lump you get when the flood gates are about to break, and I showcased with pride my trip. I was happy, I was sad, I was a hundred other things that don't have adjectives to describe it. But I did it, and I will continue to do it because it is what I am supposed to do.  Thank you family for embracing it all.

In a week and a half time or so I have been able to look through pictures, watch the videos, relive those moments that brought me such happiness and am continually encouraged to keep finding the motivation and encouragement from others to continue to do good from a far over there. And while I am very content and happy being surrounded by family and friends back in my safe bubble, I still struggle daily with the reality outside of here. The pictures and videos and story sharing with others is amazing and so wonderful for me to do, however it tears at my heartstrings every time I am asked about it. I want to share I really do and that is the honest truth but I just don't know how. It's coming though, day by day, and I am even more motivated by my developed photos and others movements, words, and photos of traveling and being able to share my special trip with friends and family.

Time has also led me to the episode of Gene Simmons:Family Jewel episode 2 of his travels to Zambia. I cried watching it yet through the tears came a smile and an overwhelming feeling of happiness and gratitude for my trip to Dakar and those feelings that are forever engrained in me. I clapped in delight and gazed in awe and was so thankful that my dad informed me of the episode I feel like  motivation  that will lead me to other trips and other movements toward success!

Perhaps time will lead me to Zambia where I will be immersed in those beautiful schools where I can once again here those beats strum through the dance moves, and the native tongue fill my ears with an unknown message, but a language all their own.I truly miss those aspects from being back home.

And while I do not know where time may take me I do know that adjusting and processing takes time, patience, gratitude, storytelling, crying, laughter, and acceptance of it all.

That's the beauty of it, time is in place to make us go places, allows us to arrive on time, lets us know where we're delayed. And in each life moment God has created these moments of time that will forever change us.These moments of time also make us slow down to appreciate, accept, and be moved to greatness.

All in all, Time will tell.

Whirlwind.

In one day I was in Dakar and then New York and then landed in Detroit reunited with my parents and Bradley. Luggage claimed. Hugged goodbye to my travel buddies. Packed the car. Dropped Brad off. Traveled to Holland. Arrived in Holland at 1am. 12 hours of travel. Quick shower. Bed. Awake at 9. Exhausted. Pedicure. Guilt. Chiropractor adjustment with a massage. Guilt. Tears. Family Time. sleep. so on and so forth.

Breathe in. 
Breathe out.

This week has been exhausting not only physically, thank you jet lag, but emotionally.We were warned that coming back would be harder than going over there, and while I wondered how it could actually be harder coming back to something familiar considering what my initial thoughts were landing in Dakar. The past four days have been harder than any days spent in Dakar [I use that semi-lightly]. I have reflected, cried, laughed, reminisced, and enjoyed the things I missed about home, and felt a large amount of guilt that sneaks in randomly throughout my days. Guilt is hard and when you feel guilty about everything it makes it even harder, and therefore I think that is why it is so hard to process and re-acclimate to being home. I'm learning it is a process.

I am longing to feel anything, anything at all. I feel as though I am existing as life moves all around me. It saddens me because just four days ago I was in a place where I lived in the moment and absorbed everything. I knew it would be hard to transition back, I did, however I did not realize I would be affected in this capacity. It is so hard to explain I have a sense of rejuvenation, a drive, a new being that is pulsing through me however as I sit and write this I feel nothing, I feel hollow, I feel a longing for something I cannot put my finger on. I'm sure the definition behind this all is culture shock

It's in the pictures I have been unable to show many where my heart still exists. Its in those eyes, those smiles, those hands, those beings.Its in that place.

There is nothing more you can do other than take in each breathe, release it, and repeat, and take each day as it comes. I have found that it might get harder before it gets easier and that's okay, it's hard, but it will all be well.

It'll all come full circle and I will find a way to embed my precious memories into my daily life and continue on with the life I lead here. I was built up in Dakar, and broken down here but I realize that here is where I need to change, I need to reflect, process and filter and it will all eventually settle. 

Do not get me wrong I am so thankful to be back home and back into what is comfortable and to be able to share my experiences, however I think I am not ready to let it all out yet. I have seen little glimpses of my journey seep out through my lips and the sound stings and I feel compelled to  suck the words back in, they aren't ready. I'm not ready. And either is my heart. It's a tug-a-war relationship I want to share, I want to shout about it from a roof top, I want the world to know, I want to share it all. I have been asked "what was your favorite part?" "What was the hardest thing you saw?" "What was the worst part?" ---- I have answers to them all, however right now there wasn't a favorite part, it all was. And yes there were horrible parts but that doesn't overtake the people, the spirit, Dakar. 

And maybe I can't talk about it yet because then I would be living off the memories instead of keeping it all to myself and acting like some part of me is still there doing something for those kids. Maybe that was the void I was feeling when I left, I do not feel like my part is done there, I feel compelled to go back, I feel compelled to keep those moments, those faces, everything alive in me and around me. I just do not have answers, or feelings, or anything right now. And that's okay, for now.

And as I settle back into the old routines and some of my habits I always keep the past three weeks in my mind and heart. I continue to pray heavily on figuring everything out and to have the big man help me along my way and help me process through things the way that I should. That has brought comfort it has brought someone along through the highs and lows and ins and outs of returning back to the United State --- Michigan --- Holland --- Kalamazoo.

To sum it all up for now I resort to my go to but ever clever devotional book, I swear it knows me, it is slightly creepy:

" Wait patiently with me while I bless you. Don't rush into My Presence with time-consciousness gnawing at your mind. I dwell in timelessness: I am, I was, I will always be. For you, time is a protection; you're a frail creature who can handle only twenty-four-hour segments of life. Time can also be a tyrant, ticking away relentlessly in your mind. Learn to master time, or it will be your master. Though you are a time-bound creature, seek to meet Me in timelessness. As you focus on My Presence, the demands of time and tasks will diminish. I will bless you and keep you, making My Face shine upon you graciously, giving you Peace."

[Jesus Calling Devotional Book]

That's a wrap

The bags are packed, the clothes are donated to people who need them, and my flight is all checked in. All I have to do is greet my last morning in Dakar at the beach where I will watch the sunrise over this great land I've spent the last three weeks.

And as I look back three weeks ago I see someone who is not who she is anymore. I am forever changed and while I still feel an emptiness, a void, I see it a place for more growth, reflection, and a way to find my way back to this side of the ocean. 

I've learned great lessons along the way about values, morals, the value of a dollar, hospitality, love, generosity, and in the midst of so little so much is offered. It will be hard to return home and explain in full context what I have touched, felt, seen, smelled, the whole experience. I would not change one second of it, I want more of it actually I want to fill that void with something, just right now I don't have the answers as to what that void is meant to be filled with, and that is okay.

I am proud of myself for taking this journey to a place I have always wanted to go to but always to scared to venture to. The opportunity was a perfect chance for me to take a chance.While I am proud of myself there is still more growing in my heart, soul and mind and more growing in my education on how to problem solve and make world changes.

I go home with a heavy heart, one that still has problems to sort out, memories to embrace, people lives that have changed me, and so many other things to sort through and think about and process that is what is  making writing this so challenging today.

Dakar holds a special place in my heart, the heart, the spirit the zest for life is embedded into me. And while three weeks ago everything was so hard to look at, I now have a new appreciation for it shows hard work and dedication for a life worth fighting for and I am glad I was able to be a small part of this culture for a short period of time. I am so thankful for the experiences and people I have met along the way and I cannot wait to keep doing wonders in the U.S for them. I will be back.

"We've got a lot to learn, God knows were worth it. I won't give up. I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily I'm  here to stay and make the difference I can make."

*** My thoughts are all over the place in this post, I have eight hours on a plane to sort through some and maybe construct something good --- until then my next post will come from the USA. ***

judgment.

Judgment. We all do it whether or not we are conscious of it or not. And while being in Africa I have realized that I have done it about the region I have traveled to. Senegal is part of West Africa and it makes up one of 54 countries within the continent of Africa. Often times people make the judgment that Africa is one big country instead of several "independent" countries,  located in one continent. 

How can one change if we are too ignorant to realize the truth and if we are to quick to judge. We make snap judgments about just about anything and we are all victims about it. However there is a need for a change, and there is still hope to do so.

I've realized throughout this trip to really embrace the people in my life that are going to lift me up, that are not quick to judge, that will take the time to get to know who I truly am. I think the Senegalese population is the prime example of how to embrace people, to take time to get to know and to not jump to conclusions. It is refreshing. It is welcoming. It is pure.

Everyone needs to embrace difference, they need not to be afraid of seeing a different viewpoints. We were all put on this Earth to do something different and while every one may not view each others missions as worthy or acceptable we all have something that drives us. And in the midst of all this Dakar shuffle and lessons learned that I am not here to please everyone and I have my own thoughts and beliefs and that is alright.

Judgment comes with a cost, it comes with baggage. No one is perfect but I hope to leave her more conscious of the thoughts that stream through my head and the way in which others may perceive what I may say or the judgments I might pass. 

I have dealt with judgments about why I decided to travel to this region and as I am beginning to prepare to depart I am coming to realization that as I return to United States I am coming back a different person. Someone who will be stingily aware of the reality we live in, the waste that many use, and the materialistic nature we live in. Along with that the ignorant and uneducated assumptions of those who are caught in the bubble of being raised and living in United States. Being in Dakar has been so awakening to how sheltered we live on our daily lives and it will be a real battle to decide who to have a realistic conversation about what is truly going on over here and for who to allow to keep assuming that Africa is all one big place where Safaris is all people go on. 

The problem and consequences are so wrong with those assumptions and that mind set. And while many believe I went on a Safari, yes those occur in certain regions. And yes women wear baskets on their heads but while they are doing so they are multi-tasking like no one I've seen before.So before people begin to judge about this part of the world, do some research, do some investigating before you drop the lines that you think are true and fill them with knowledge to make sure you represent this population with the justice it deserves.

And for those who put the debate about working on our own countries problems and poverty before going abroad to do, I am not only ashamed but one must not stay so close minded and go abroad to see what we back home are sometimes to afraid to admit is true. And for those who don't want to face the truth the same issue are going on the mid-west as here we are just sheltered and throw money at things to solve issues that are occurring in our own backyards when what we should be doing is to become educated on both in state issues and abroad issues and using problem solving skills to solve the issues on a global scale. 

Form partnerships and do your part to help with crisis that in fact we are all part of. Some overtly, some covertly, and for some in their perfect worlds all is well and dandy. Wake up, the world is calling. And we are all part of it. Rich, poor, hippy, homeless, everyone. And it is all our duty as people of this world to do something.

T.Dabo

This post started and was erased many times and took several hours believe it or not cause I don't want to write something and not have it do justice, I decided to walk away for a second, grab my devotional book and I read it, cried, and there it was part of what I needed to write this post. The devotionals that I am quoting are from 'Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence' by Sarah Young --- the book is amazing, and today it was exactly what I needed...

"I am creating something new in you: a bubbling spring of Joy that spills over into others' lives. Do not mistake this Joy for your own or try to take credit for it in any way. Instead, watch in delight as My Spirit flows through you to bless others. Let yourself become a reservoir of the Spirit's fruit..." 

I do not feel worthy to have a sense of accomplishment after today, and I am beginning to struggle with having to leave Talibo Dabo for now. While the students smiled when we were around them it still doesn't fill in the gaps that I feel as my days approaching my departure from Dakar. And while I cannot agree with all the practices or lack there of taking place at the school I have been working in I would like to take the happiness those kids have embedded into my heart and soul and display in it this post...

Our departure today meant we came baring gifts and the three of us who have been working at Talibo Dabo decided to bring fruit and a jug of water. I was an advocate for filling their bellies with something of nutritional value and something that might sustain longer than a sugar buzz. The result of our gifts was fulfilling while the sight was as though someone has dropped something sweet on the floor while ants devoured the food before anyone had a chance to clean the spill up. Of course the spill in my class was of feeding the kids bananas, but it was nuts we could not get the bananas unpeeled fast enough and while pouring glasses of water the kids chugged the water faster than we could pour it, a ten gallon water jug was gone in less than ten minutes of hungry and thirsty children whose first meal was probably provided by our three dollar purchase from the vendor across the street from their school. I will never forget the sight it was as if we had the last jug of water and there was to be no more after the last drop was served. Heartbreaking, yet it was humbling. There was no greater feeling than satisfying a handful of starving bellies for a split second, the water went right through them all soon after their snack we keep dismissing to the potty, but nothing else mattered during those three hours spent at Talibo Dabo this morning.

After snack and potty time it was time to conclude our lessons with the kiddos with a Ipad lesson using the story 'Little Hen' that read the story in French so that the kids could understand it, it was absolutely adorable all the students were surrounding me as I held the Ipad and there were fascinated by the story being played from the Ipad and how you could touch the screen to make the next part play, followed by the story we allowed the kiddos to draw their own hens on construction paper -- it was a chance for them to express their creativity and be praised while doing it!

And while I cannot take all the little lives I hope that I can take the little snapshots and voice clips with me forever. I will never forget the voice of my students saying "Amina." "Madame" and repeating the silly English phrases we said and they repeated back with their accents, adorable. Each child is different regardless of their abilities or disabilities, no child is ever the same and however regardless of where we call home or how much or how little we have we all know how to love, smile, laugh, dance, embrace the lives we live. That is something I will always cherish, that and all the pictures I will be framing of those smiling and resilient faces.

"... Your part is to live close to Me, open to all that I am doing in you. Don't try to control the streaming of My spirit through you. Just keep focusing on Me as we walk through this day together. Enjoy My Presence, which permeates you with Love, Joy, and Peace."

 "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” 

                          John 3:8

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."   

                                 Galatians 5:22-23

I do not have all my feelings sorted out, I have seen things, felt things, and heard things that tear my heart up and those things were to be expected and as I begin to sort through all the emotions and feelings I realize I have to let go and give all my concerns and unanswered question to the man upstairs. Because for right now I am at peace, their bellies were filled, their thirst was quenched, their smiles shined, their hugs were embraced, their voices were listened to, their hearts were seen and loved by me and Sarah, Adriene, and Emily. I will carry their spirits and smiles with me forever, and for right now that is enough and that is putting my mind at ease and in a place of peace.

Silence

I am currently sitting in my room covered by a layer of exhaust, sweat, and oily skin and alone. And alone can sometimes be a scary thing, but right now I am feeling blissful. Although I have enjoyed sharing a hotel room with two girls in my program for two weeks and developing deeper friendships than expected I enjoy these moments of silence, only filled with the steady hum of the air condition and the view where my mind wanders as I compose my new blog posts.

Normally I would write with music plugged into my ears and tap with beat, however today I sit in silence. And while many people struggle with silence, and no silence is not something I am always good with, but I've learned while being here how peaceful it is. When you silence your mind you can take so many things in while walking through the streets here or while enjoying a meal. Silence has allowed me to enjoy many Senegalese meals here, talking during meals is a sign that the food is not good, people savor their meals here and I've come to respect that.

Today was a perfect example of that, as we finished our painting project at Angela Davis one of the administrators invited me into the teachers lounge to enjoy a traditional Senegalese meal and while the thought of having to share in this type of meal was an option while being abroad actually sitting down with a large pan in front of me with a spoon and five others to eat out of the same thing, when you are full you get up and allow for another hungry one to come and eat. It's a new way, its a different way, but it worked.

Silence throughout my whole trip has allowed me to reflect, figure some things out without the distractions of reality TV, text messages, phone calls. Silence has allowed me to hear, see, and feel things I don't take the time to enjoy. I am thankful for the silent moments in life and where it had led me to today. Very thankful!

Clarity...

Today is bittersweet. I don't know why I'm feeling this way but I do. I know that in seven short days I will be back home with loved ones and friends, however I think the feeling of having to have closure with everything and everyone is beginning to set in. I cannot believe I am on the final stretch of my journey to Dakar this is the one week mark and I have never felt more blessed and never have had so much self reflection and when I return home I hope to embrace my own individual time and being grateful for the truly amazing things in my life. They said prior to coming that I would be forever changed and throughout the past two weeks unbeknownst to me I have transformed -- I have a new found appreciation for things. I do not always need to plugged in I have found that while being submerged in a new environment that while being still and absorbing my surroundings there is beauty everywhere in every alley, every street side soccer game, every small shop --- everywhere and we neglect that back home. We carry on instead of stopping for a minute and breathing it all in. And while taking it all in for what its worth took time it has been an array of emotions, feeling, energy. 

On the days of down time I still find myself fatigued and its not strictly physically capacity being sucked out from the sun beating down but the emotional wear and tear can bring you down, but in those trying moments I have found the most clarity. And by clarity I do not mean that I have ti all figured out, I still sort through my emotions daily, my mind races here with questions, concerns, solutions and mysteries. Regardless of anything I will go home thankful, thankful for the beauty God has created in Dakar from the continent, place, land, people, and the blessing of this opportunity in my life. I will also go home thankful for: family, friends, electricity, clean water, a secure place to call home, clean air, an education, love, dreams that can come true, my health, and food/nutrition.

Here is my week three 'I am' poem --

I am so small in a world so BIG

I wonder what will be revealed to me once I am immersed back into reality abut my experiences in Dakar

I hear the silence of the conversations and musical tunes within classrooms.

I see the almond eyes starring in to m my mine gesturing for the water from my bag.

I want to fill the emptiness of bellies, the loneliness of hearts, and the emptiness of someone telling them their proud.

I am so small in a world so BIG

I pretend that I am not trying to escape from this place to return to the 'luxuries' I'm longing for.

I feel the grumble of my tummy as a reminder of the people on the street who are starving

I touch the salty ocean water and breathe a deep breath in as the wave crashes and washes happiness upon me

I worry about the future not only for me but for the children I have been working with

I cry for what I am leaving behind

I am so small in a world so BIG

I understand that I am one of thousands who does not have the answers and have many unanswered questions

I say "tell me what it is you plan to do with this one wild and precious life" [Mary Oliver]

I dream of what I will do from afar for Africa and when God will bless me with a return journey [hopefully sooner than later]

I try to piece it all together while my mind and heart keep racing

I hope that my journey is carried with me always and the heartache be turned into scares that are a constant reminder of where I've been and what its done to me and for me

I am so small in a world so BIG

Peace

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name. 

                       Psalm 100:4

Yesterday was truly an amazing day spent with the group in a small quaint town of Theis. While the thought of waking up early to catch a three hour bus ride wasn't ideal there was something magical that happened throughout the day. The alarm clock woke us to a deep blue ocean sky while the moon glistened overhead while I enjoyed my yogurt and freshly cut mango. We moaned that the moon was still out but the day meant that we rose with the African sunrise. Our bus ride would take us out of Dakar into the heart of transportation and communication and there we found the carpet factory where the local people are trained and master these fascinating carpet pieces that are priced over millions of dollars. The process is time consuming often taking several months to years to complete and the owners are high rollers and I'm pretty sure the creators don't see the commission.

But aside from the process of production yesterday brought a sense of renewal, a feeling of purpose, a feeling of things being put into perspective and a gratitude for the things in my life that enrich it and the need to change. I've felt vulnerable, stripped away from all familiarity and filled up with renewal. And while I have been immersed in a culture none of my own I've enjoyed the relationships among the locals and the vulnerability experienced by a lack of ability to communicate. And as a plane flew over while I touched the Atlantic from not Boston but Senegal I remembered the feeling of flying into the airport and having a sense of panic and uncertainty of what I have gotten myself into. I now overlook the crashing waves and I am at peace. I have been stripped away of all worries and have an over encompassing gratitude for being at peace. And with peace comes passion and empowerment. Because without having an urge or dream to come here I'd be stuck and unchanged. 

And while life at home will be returning soon, I've enjoyed the uncertainty of what may come next and the sense of security I've felt with it all. And while many admire the fact we are American and welcome us to Senegal for our first time, and while many back home feel as though I'm helping the children and student I've come to realize they have helped me. They have prioritized things and put this big, giant, world into perspective. And while last week when I felt belittled and powerless I now feel an overwhelming sense that I can do and feel so much and all will be okay. And while I yearn for the people here I realized they are happy, at peace, and so advanced in so many thing that back home we are not. We may have more material goods, but back home we lack value, gratitude for others deeds, selflessness and vulnerability. Yesterday was what I needed, I'm empowered, rejuvenated, and overall happy and peaceful.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

                     John 16:33

Snapshots.

I snuck away for three hours today and nestled into a corner of the French Connection, plugged in my iPod and spent my time reflecting on the day but what happened was a reflection on the whole day at Talibo Dabo, the school for students with physical and cognitive impairments.

I want to capture it all I want o keep snapshots of emotion, of laziness, of hope, of beauty, of resilience, and most of all I want to bring them all home.

My day in snapshots.

We planned a morning lesson of teaching the stages of the caterpillar into a butterfly, in which we would crate a butterfly out of tissue paper and clothes pins with markers to spread color by a water squirt bottle. However like many things in Dakar  there happened to be a ceremony for a donation given to Talibo Dabo shortly after we arrived so our lesson was postponed until Monday (fingers crossed) so off we went to a ceremony that greeted us with lively music and tons of lawn chairs for the students. Snapshot.When it was time to make our way outside the teacher up and left to find her own seat and didn't care about the kiddos who were put in chairs at the beginning of the day and needed a wheelchair to be able to be transported. The kids will literally sit there and hope their classmates will come back and help them. There are a couples kids who always get stranded and although we cannot communicate in the same language their eyes say it all. Their eyes speak nothing short of allowing the dam of tears behind their eyes to give out and let loose. Their posture tenses and an uneasiness is evident. It's heartbreaking to witness.

And to add to it the teachers are no where to be found --- its sickening. Although the government here does dictate a lot of things it does not chose peoples professions, the teachers chose to go into teaching, I would love to assume they have the same burning desire to teach as I do, today it was evident they do not. They're lazy. I wonder if they possess compassion.

Snapshot. The little boy is always left I learned today has no  lower body mobility and was literally lifted from his seat by his classmate no older than 7 years old the whisked away on rims that have no rubber tires and then transferred to yet another chair to make sure other kids can be transported. Mind you all of this is going on while the teachers are sitting in chairs covered by shade while a group of fifty or so children with Down Syndrome come out of a classroom not found within the building that my kiddos are in.  Snapshot. If you want to see segregation clear as day you should have seen the sight. Children with Down Syndrome of all ages young and old came running out shaking my hand and hugging and latching on to the hug, only to find occupied seats and teachers making students give up their seats for them. It was sickening, outrageous at that. There was a sense of panic because the kids didn't know where to sit, I grabbed some kids and lead them to the front where we sat on the ground. Both Adriene and I had little girls nestled in our laps and other little ones surrounding us. One peanut played with my hair and loved all over me. I wonder what runs through their minds. Prior to the presentation beginning I grabbed my guys hand, that is always left, and danced his shoulders around the last think he needed was to feel alone again but in a crowd. I got a smile on his face and carried on to more greetings and hugs. Snapshot. The little peanut I helped walk the other day was escorted and sat down by Sarah and Adriene, and soon after she was greeted by a smile fro a girl who has Down Syndrome where she picked her up and set her on her lap, they stayed put the rest of the program. Precious. 

The whole ceremony was in honor of a donation from DHL which donated plants and food in order to empower the student that they can be contributing members to society and make a difference. The director of the school said "It's not about the battle, its about the fight." Sarah was able to talk to with the head guy from DHL in West Africa and he is interested in forming a partnership in which he would supply Talibo Dabo with what we think would help benefit and better the school and the students. I am crossing my fingers and toes that this is followed through and words are put to action!

Snapshot. What really made the kids appreciate the ceremony was the presence of the DJ which played their favorite tunes in which everyone was dancing. Music is so powerful and unlike many people who surround the students at Talibo Dabo , music doesn't discriminate. And that is awe-inspiring. Those kids know how to boogie. There were also juice tins for the students, which is a big deal these kids come to school lacking their basic life needs and regularly ask for our water. I was so excited for the thirsty kiddos from my room to get refreshed. But much like all the other disappointment it continued to prevail. Barely half the students go drink and many teachers did, to top it off the kiddos needed help getting the tops off and when asking their teachers for help they were told no ---Adriene and I took off a lot of bottle tabs and had sticky hands.

Snapshot. As the program ended the teachers took a new seat inside the school while the kids scrambled around juggling between the limited wheelchairs to get everyone inside. Imagine teachers sitting inside the school while three children are stranded in their seats crying feeling like their going to be left there with tears wheeled up and flowing down their cheeks. And the only people concerned are me, Adriene, and the two ladies from Canada all of which are visitors to the school. We were the ones trying to get the kids inside safely and to the right class. While looking for a wheelchair for one of my favorites a teacher asked if I knew the dance that is popular here, this is what I could've lost it. Hell no I don't know the dance I'm worrying about the ones you should be concerned with. I became disgusted and through the tears we got everyone in the room and situated. Only to find that the teacher had left the school...

Snapshot. Now here Adriene and I are with 15-20 children and nothing to do. Thank goodness for the children's book 'Rio' and Toy Story coloring books and crayons --- our saving grace. Our Canadian colleague left with a low head and disbelief of the convenience that the teacher felt to leave a classroom full of Kindergarten and first grade children.

Snapshots. A little boy trying to say 'toilet' who has no lower body mobility was asking me to use the bathroom, how was I to take who was wheelchair bound to a pit toilet? Luckily we managed to communicate to the two oldest boys in class and designated them to helping him in the bathroom. Mind you on the way they passed '3' helpers to the school who were adults. The initiative and helpfulness of the children i work with is phenomenal and unmatched. 

Snapshot. Another boy with his male body part out with it in a bottle, yes bottle! While his classmates tug on my arm saying "Madame (pointing to boy) toilet," figuring he was trapped in his seat by his classmates in wheelchairs listening to the 'Rio' book during our spontaneous circle time I rushed to free the 'toilet' boy only to find the bottle filled with pee. His classmate took care of it... 

Is it a crime to allow children with disabilities the right to a bathroom? Why is it that someone has allowed children who are around the corner from a restroom to pee in a bottle? Why is it that children are allowed to walk around wet from their own urine, and terrorized by flies because of their feces? Why is that a child can be escorted back to class with his pants around his ankles? Why is it that someone cannot wipe snot from the noses of children and the drool away from their mouths? Why is it okay for children with cognitive impairments to be classified as not capable of a school book? How is it that children sit all day and not be acknowledged by their teacher?

Snapshot. The boy who was burned and skin graphed and another student were tackling each other while Adriene and I grab both strong willed and strong boys and pull them apart all while glancing out to other classes in hopes our faces show desperation for assistance and order. The teacher laughed. Laughed at our attempts to contain chaos. Speechless. More tackles later we settled back into coloring and the teacher returned to tell us good job and to depart again.

Snapshot. All the students calling Madame and holding their crayola masterpieces in the air for us to ooh-and-ahh at the beauty they can create when given the opportunity. Their faces  show something they are proud of , the rub on their backs given by the two of us are absorbed and genuinely appreciated, followed by a smile that radiates their inner beauty. Before we admire all the art work Madame is called again from the first artist and the chain reaction repeats itself. It never gets old, they need the encouragement and I need the smiles. 

Snapshot. The final seconds of our day come to a close and we departed. We return on Monday and we begin our good-byes. And while the protocol is handshakes to greet and say goodbye I dismiss it and pull each kiddo in for a hug, they deserve it, they need it. There is nothing better than embracing the kids in my class. They absorb it in, they appreciate it, they're genuine. With both the greetings and goodbyes I feel complete, I've met my purpose here. 

And while my heart still aches I am making the most of my time with them. Their faces, their being fills me up and transports me into another state, a state of gratitude for the opportunities and the life I live, along with a love at first sight that I will carry forever. Although they need me, I need them. I needed to come here and although its not been an easy journey I have always wanted to come to Africa for a reason and looking into their eyes and holding their hands or offering a hug is why I was beckoned to journey here. I am forever changed. I am forever blessed by those beautiful souls. Time to make a change.