Six & One {T&C}

It's official that Fall has sprung and the temperatures call for blankets, sweatshirts, a tea kettles whistling however Fall always brings up moments that make you stop and pause for a minute and realize how short life can be. 

 It is hard to believe that almost six years ago a childhood friend passed away in a car accident less than a mile away from my house. I remember the day like it was yesterday and every November it sinks back in what happened. I believe that moments like those should regardless of the heartache, pain, and questioning. I spent the weekend in Ludington after Thanksgiving dinner with my family where I experienced my first real dates with a boy I had a mad crush on. It was in those first days of our relationship that I experienced the first real tragedy I experienced in my life. I remember playing cards with my cousin Taylor laughing at who would catch on the to the rules. My grandma was on the phone when I returned home from lunch to play cards, and I didn't think much of it. Until the phone was handed to me. I really didn't think much of it, I tried getting a hold of my mom earlier in the day but she was busy and would call me back. What she was busy with I wish wasn't what occupied her time. She broke the news on how Tonya had been in a car accident and lost her life and how B may or may not be okay, it was all so surreal. I packed. I made some calls. 

 I held Brad's hand as he drove me home, to be exactly where I needed to be. Home with my family. 

The couples weeks that followed were unreal, I had never experienced anything like what had happened and I could not believe it happened. We had visitations, a funeral and my life as a high schooler still continued. I went to school, practiced for volleyball, repeat. It was a blur. Four days after her funeral I tore my ACL, I couldn't be sad though, other people had it so much worse. 

Last year, a year ago actually today, I was together with friends to wind down from the week and take part in our daily ritual. Watch Jersey Shore with a glass of wine. A phone call came to Brad and the news was broke again. Yet again another neighbor, another shaking moment for our neighborhood and for yet another family that didn't deserve this pain. The whole apartment shook with the words that spoke the truth of what happened.

 I held Brad's hand as he drove me home, to be exactly where I needed to be. Home with my family. 

The only moment that flashed through my head is "No,no,no I just talked to his sister, he's getting married this weekend!" I remember how it felt, it must have been a joke, how could two people that I grew up with, that my brother was close to be gone... I felt like something like that could only happen once, why twice? Any why to two amazing families. It didn't seem fair. It didn't seem right. And while I wasn't extremely close to the family at the time, I could never underestimate the memories shared, let alone the pain, heartache, everything. It was a flashback, one that tore at raw emotions one would only hope to never feel again. I traveled home that night, but returned the next day. 

I went home dressed in dark clothes on Tuesday after class. I went to another funeral of a life too short to consider full. It was a bittersweet feeling, one where you are surrounded by so many people who you know love and support you, but where seeing them in the state you were are in is just not fair. Why couldn't it just be a summer barbeque? Not that any funeral is fun, but when it comes at such a tragic time and when it is so unexpected and before one very important day in someones life and when two lives are taken. It's hard. Why is it that moments like these are so vivid when you look back at them? I will never forget walking in being torn to the open casket and then turning around to Ross. Ross. My childhood buddy who I haven't seen in ages cause he moved to North Carolina, he was home. He grabbed me pulled me in and hugged me. Regardless of when you see someone, the memories you share can really help out in a time I was in. The funeral was raw with bleeding emotion, beautiful stories, and sweet melodies. 

 Its been almost six year since the passing of Tonya, and today marks a year for Chad. The vivid images come flooding back from both days, like putting salt on a open wound, but it does get easier over time. 

I am so lucky to have been raised in such a family-like neighborhood, one that is still filled with so many memories and friends. And as we have all grown up and taken off on our own journeys we all still hold a precious piece of a childhood that was truly top notch. So when things happen like things that have happened six and almost one years ago it is hard to see families you have grown up with suffer, and one thing I have found is everyone of my neighborhood families suffers too. We all take a different approach to life, and we always step in when necessary and give space when it is needed. We have prepared meals, we have visited, we have hugged, cried, laughed, and remembered. And that is so humbling to remember when anniversaries come about every year. 

Not many people my age can say that they have experience such a loss, and while when Tonya passed I struggled to bounce back, I realize now I bounced back so much stronger. I have learned that it is okay to be sad, that it is okay to feel the highs and lows and in-betweens of what loss includes. I have learned that it is okay to have questions and to be frustrated, angry, and completely not understand. However great things can come out of great tragedy. It will always take time to figure out exactly why though. 

 Fall brings beauty but for some it also brings a reminder of sad days along the way. Hold close to those you love, and let them know.

So it begins...

I have learned through almost blogging for a year, that I have fallen in love with blogging, blogs, and other peoples stories. I have also learned about how amazing this type of outlet is. I can see stats on how many people have read and it is overwhelming but so wonderful! Although I am currently surrounded by textbooks, assignments screaming to be completed here I am blogging. I am crossing my fingers in hopes that I will be able to pop in once a week, and hopefully Sundays will turn into more 'I am' poems.

I have had an overwhelming couple weeks. One that has resulted in a lot of organization, being flexible, being reunited with old colleagues and realizations. I mentioned last post on how things are changing and how this is my last year at Western.


This week I have yearned for home or from some escape from this place. My apartment. My college. From everything. I have struggled.

In all honesty I think it is a combination of a lot of things. While I well seasoned in being a professional college student every year brings something new. This year the whole College of Education is in a new building, it is beautiful, spacious, and very up to date.It is beautiful. However it is something very new and something that shows signs of an ending. I am eager to graduate and move on, however I still have found such a comfort in so many things.

For one. Would be the family I nanny for. Those little ones have captured my heart and have made me fall in love with my future profession and while most days they are great birth control I look forward to the day when I'm older and can have my own babies. They have been such a stress reliever on occasions and have been great advice when I need it.

I am thankful also for the new friends I have made, the laughs and giggles I will forever cherish, and most importantly I have grown. I have become a mini adult, which at times is so frusterating, but I have learned to manage money, time, bills, and living away from my parents. And while my time at Western is closing in and it makes me so happy I find it still important to step back and look at the bigger picture of what I have gained from moving away from home and getting a college education, there are so many things that contribute to my education. For all those I am grateful.

There are so many thoughts swirling through my brain and as I have a weekend to semi-relax I hope to capture it all in a better post, this one was been going on since day one of this semester, until then stay tuned and thank you for reading!

Change & Comfort

It's so crazy to think that it is already September and with that school begins and cooler temperatures begin to fill the air and warm breezes cool into a crisp fall chill and the leaves begin to crisp and change. While I have had the most amazing summer I've had in a while I am still looking forward to the comforts of a set routine and being one step closer to being done with school.

I am looking forward to the fall comforts that college has grown to make me love. I grew up a summer girl thriving off of the sunshine, sand between my toes, melting ice cream, and sun kissed skin. I've learned quite quickly that once you hit a semi-adulthood lifestyle work days and other commitments slowly creep in and make the beach life priority slide by the wayside slightly. sigh.

I will however miss the days where you can do whatever the day brings, where you can lounge all day and not have a care in the world, where meeting with friends last minute is okay, and when road trips to the east side on a Tuesday evening fits perfectly into the day.

But since there are some things in life that we cannot help but embrace we might as well take the time and welcome fall with open arms and with that my toes curl in delight over thinking of: hoodies, boots, apple crisp, apple cider, football games with friends, pretty fall colors, open windows with Fall smells swirling through the walls of my apartment, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin patches, apple orchards, amazing evening runs,raking up leaves for the boys to jump in and have them relive some of my favorite childhood Fall memories, pumpkin carving, Halloween dressing up with friends, candles of pumpkins, cinnamon, goodness! I'm sure there is more to add to the list, but I really am starting to embrace this chillier season. It's new territory but there is a beauty and comforting sense that comes with the change of season.

...Did I mention pumpkin spice lattes, yeah I really love them back when I wasn't a fan of Fall those things kept me toasty while I tip toed through fall to the still dreaded winter.... I keep coffee shops in way to good of business [bad habit]

And while it is evident when Fall approaches due to the leaves changing and much cooler temperatures from the summer we have all endured, there is still many changes I am still facing and sorting through. I have always been one to enjoy school, I'm a book worm, I sport my nerd flag high, and I love seeing where I am placed for my practicums. This new school year brings much more anxiety, its a new beginning however it is closing in on my time here at Western. My time with my three favorite little boys. It's about to all change. I cannot wrap my head around it all yet and it makes me anxious. Yes, I know all will be well, but it is still challenging for me. Before I can truly accept that is all about to happen I need to change many things that are putting up barriers in front of enjoying all my new moments and comfort. Tuesday brings my senior year and it is time to live it up, embrace it, and filter through all the non sense. Fall will surely bring change. Lets hope it works out well. Prayers please!

With Fall I am expecting some changes. Changes that will help my sanity. Changes that will help my friends. Changes that will help my stress levels. Changes that will make me happier. Changes that will hopefully be good! Change that will bring comfort [fingers crossed].

friend[Ships]

I will start with this picture...

I posted this quote on my moms Facebook wall because on the day that I found it I had called her upset while coming back from a relaxing retreat in my yoga class. I called her because sometimes a mom is the only person who is going to have the answers you need and when you cannot be there in person with them technology allows you to call them and chat it out. Thats what I did --- details will be limited on this however I want to be real. I called her because my friendship and character was falsely accused.

My mom reminded me  "I have alot of good girlfriends, we've had our ups and downs too, it is alot of give and take!"

My text message and my moms advice got me to thinking and appreciating {after all there is always something positive and meaningful in every difficult moment or situation}!!    ...

Number one thing learned = family will always be your best friend -- through thick, thin, ups, downs, agreements, disagreements they will always have your back and love you for you. That's pretty amazing the man upstairs she is a smart man! Fam{ily}!

Friendship is tricky. It really is. I cannot say that I have always been the best friend. And much like life, I'm pretty sure friendship didn't come with a set of instructions. So there is going to be moments of mistakes, where judgement doesn't pan out well with you and sometimes friendship doesn't deal you the best hand of cards. But I truly believe that everyone wants a good friend and wants to be a good friend as well.

This summer I have been shown what it looks like and feels like to be treated and accepted as a friend. Flaws and all. I have also learned how to strengthen, rejuvinate, and embrace old friendships as well. I'm still working out the flaws and kinks however I will always stand behind what I say and believe 'friendship works two ways' without it going two ways it is destined for failure....

 "A good friend is a connection to life -- a tie to the past, a road to the future, a key to sanity in a totally insane world."

Brittany Lynn. In all honestly I can truly say I did not like her when I met her, however God put her in my life and has kept her there ever since. Thank the good lord above for her. She's the girl I already have labeled as maid of honor far before a ring or idea of who would put a ring on my finger ever came to be. And that label will stand until the day my dress need latching, my veil needs straightening and I need a sidekick but more importantly a best friend. She's the girl I want holding my hand through the ups and downs and all the big moments life has to offer and from prime examples Britt will always do a fine job at that. "Everything is funnier when you are with your best friend." I believe this quote is 100% true. Britt keeps me on my toes makes me remember how to belly laugh, go on random adventures, and to find the best times out of the littlest moments. People may not understand us most of the time or a majority of the time at all but that is why I love us and will always be so thankful and cherish every beat of our quirky yet amazing friendship. We get each other and that's all that matters. We will never fully grow up but if and when we decide to shes the type of girl I want holding my hand through it all, as she has already done, continues to do, and what I wholeheartedly believe she will always do. She has never let me down and this is why I call her my best friend.

 I know I have said it before but this girl pictured above is that person that God puts in your life that you unexpectedly come across for some reason and things just click. Jennifer is so amazing in so many ways she became an instant friend. She has seen me in all ways of my being and I admire her for continuing to love who I am. Jen has a way of letting me cut lose, break me down, to build me back up and has made me appreciate exactly who I am. I admire her and will cherish her every day of my life.

"A true friend warms you with her presence, trusts you with her secrets, and remembers you in her prayers."

 Friendship comes from all facets of life. While some may find it odd I found a friend in eighth grade and that friend just so happened to be my social studies teacher. I can tell you that I learned about manifest destiny, that is honestly the only thing I remember learning, oh and those brain teaser things we did every Friday. Aside from the course work I learned so much more, I was shown a fine example of how not only to be a teacher that students liked but also what it was like to be a teacher who is a friend. I continually look to Jill for the educational and teacher perspective of this teaching adventure I am going through and appreciate her support and guidance through all those days where education just doesn't make sense and when I just want to turn my back against it all. Jill has shown me what it looks like to have a mentor, a positive role model for a teacher, and most importantly what a good friend consists of.

My friend from another school! But oh so much more. She's the type of girl that has said to me before that if we actually went to the same school people would have such a hard time figuring us out that it would be way to much fun and nothing would ever get done. So true after this summer. This girl has a heart of gold, the brain of a genius and the sense of humor that will put a smile on anyone's face and bust the gut of those who enjoy a taste of an awesome sense of humor. Katlyn recently moved out {not enjoying the empty side of my closet} and left me a sweet message but this stuck out to me "I am extremely proud of what a beautiful, strong, yet gentle soul you are- and it was only shown through how you allowed Africa to break and change you - never let go of that." Not many can say their friends allow them to know how proud of them they are, I can honestly say that those close to me I am proud of who you are as an individual and for who you have helped mold me in to and for all that you stand for. I think it is important ,and thanks to Katlyn I have learned this, but to surround yourself with people who can make you laugh and enjoy a good evening of lounging and talking about life with. That is what I am going to strive for this academic year. Not to mention I cannot wait for my trips to Valpo!! Thanks for being an awesome summer roommate Katlyn -- it's fine, no worries!

Four best friends that anyone could have. I would like to officially titled the four of us with one of the most unique yet highly awesome friendships I could possibly ever ask for in my life. We have a interesting webbing of how our friendship works but it works for us all and it is one rocking and fun friendship. But that is what is so great it is a chain of friendships that intertwined and have formed a bond one that I always wanted to find in college and the most fun part about it all is that we are two couples that are dating however even walking down the street I would want to be friends with each one of these people, but lucky for me I get us all as couples!I am so glad I have been able to walk through life adventures and experiences with these three by my side loving life, laughing, dancing, running {yay color run}, and camping 2012. I look forward to watching our friendship grow up and as we all take our own unique career paths and form a lifestyle out of each of them and yet still {fingers crossed} become neighbors!! Thanks best friends! Smooochesss!

"Always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, mind that forgets the bad, & a soul that never loses faith in God."

I continually am trying to better myself, my surroundings, and continue to find people who lift me up. I have learned so much just in this summer about myself, my family, and my friends. Friends are going to come and go and I know there are still friendships out there that have been tucked away on a shelf collecting far too much dust --- its time for me to begin to clean shop and dust the old ones that are never forgotten. But I will always be a firm believer that friendship takes two like any relationship does one can not take all the pressure to pursue a quality and stable friendship. I want to take the above quote and apply it to my relationships and friends and never be too quick to judge, but instead to pray. And even when times get tough and the waters get rough the friend[ships] that are built will always help you along. Friends are pretty fantastic and they should always accept you for exactly the way you are and to me that is pretty amazing && lucky for me I have found a handful of friends who are just that --- I consider myself pretty lucky!

Find the friends that mean the most to you and you have forgotten to be grateful for and thank them --- to all of you above mentioned thank you!

Sunshine

A year ago I posted this picture...

There are many more photos that captivate this place however I remember sitting on the beach and reflecting on my week at camp. Last year brought many challenges with my camper however it is always still rewarding. After much reflection after coming home this summer I was signed up for session two to be a counselor. After much debate and inner workings I figured out that this year camp would have to be set aside. I would continue to be a part of camp just in a different way this year, I was a floater. Meaning I would be paired with a camper for an hour to allow the counselors to catch some shut eye shower in a less hassled area or just take an hour to do nothing but reflect. I had a hard time allowing myself not to partcipate in the four day three night adventure I take every summer -- I had to weigh my pros and cons.

Pros. I would still be able to attend the talent show, I would still get to participate in an hour of crafts and an hour of recreation and a hour of lessons. Times that by two days and I got six wonderful hours of camp activities! I still got to sing songs & see those beautiful campers.

Cons. I would not get to call a camper my special friend, I would miss out on the sunsets on the deck, reflections, counselor friends, campers who continually have a positive attitude, smiles, tears of happiness, pure joy and love. I would miss the campers singing in pure delight. I would miss campers being overly pumped about the camp food, the amazing staff that works in the kitchen. The amazing staff that puts camp on every year. The crystal clear sky that shows God grace with him shining brightly through the stars (there has not been one year that hasn't showcased beauty like his sky at camp).

And while my cons outweigh my pros it was necessary for me to step back this year. For many reasons however I know after volunteering for a couple hours each day was enough for me this year. 

Another thing that spoke to me that I had made the right decision to allow myself to just get a glimpse that was the theme: TREASURES. On Saturday morning I listened to a lesson on what Mimi treasured most in her life from showing numerous pictures, rocks from adventures and from different places around the world. Sitting around my neck that first day floating was my beaded necklace from a market in Dakar -- unintentionally wearing it as a treasure it was true, I treasure that piece of jewelry. And treasures were exactly what I thought about the rest of the weekend -- I wasn't meant to do camp this year because it was necessary for me to treasure my trip this year. That is not to say that I won't be attending next year and sitting in the middle of the talent show instead of as an 'outsider.'

Like any year of camp it is so refreshing to walk on the grounds of camp and be in a non-judgmental environment, pure happiness all around. It is so refreshing to see counselors who showcase that there are still pure-hearted goodness left in this world that most recently has been shaken with gunmen and so many other injustices the world holds. At camp that is all subsided and the environment is so care free and a breathe of fresh air. I am so honored to be part of such a wonderful community. Camp Sunshine sure makes me happy. 30 years of pure perfection!

Think of what you treasure and be thankful.

Happy Tuesday!

Mumbo-Jumbo

I think it's funny that right when I am about to shut down for the evening and get some shut eye a burst of thoughts come flooding into my head and are busting at the seams to get out and explore my empty blog pages. This is draft two I have talked with a couple people about how most of my posts come with days or weeks in between debut I spit the words out and then days later go back and piece it all together && while I wonder if anyone is truly reading and keeping tabs on my latest mumbo-jumbo I look at my blog stats and overwhelming become surprised and blessed to see all the readership that is out there. So with that, thank you readers! Because of you and your eyes that read I will continue to write. Not to mention some really nice texts that give me that extra boost that lets me know someone is reading --- talk about refreshing!

Life is full of changes lately, mostly meaning I moved into a new room and let me tell you it feels like I own a house of something, I have been scrubbing walls, showers, sinks, and sorting through mounds of clothes and figuring out how to arrange my room to fit a new roommate in a month --- no big deal. But I'm liking my new 'home.' Aside from moving I have still and yes STILL dealing with transitional issues from the aftermath of traveling and fingers crossed my doc has it all figured out and on the correct medicine now!! My goodness, its been interesting I guess Africa hasn't wanted to leave me yet ha-ha.

Upon moving, unpacking, organizing, etc I found my journals and notebook from my travels. I read them.

June 13. Last handwritten journal.

I am so thankful that I took the time to blog. Because after my journal ended I read my past blog posts. And in preparation for my presentation at the end of August for a woman's group I am becoming inspired! I am so thankful that I blogged to share my experiences but more importantly I am thankful that I wrote it all down in my personal journals and within those pages holds raw all over the place emotion and it has the power to bring me right back to those days. In reading through those pages and through the several blog posts --- I get this feeling of being stuck.

I think about rejuvenated and refreshed and hopeful I came back feeling however now I'm sitting in my 'new' room with all the same things I had before I left except a stack of beautiful photos and devotionals and a slew of e-mails to friends I have made in Senegal. However, what have I done to get myself back there or what I have I done to make this coming school year for the schools I worked in, let me tell you. Not.a.damn.thing. 

And guess what that bothers me. I do not want to be stuck. I do not want to get caught up in the same routines, the same group of draining people, and goodness gracious I want to make a change. Not only for my own well-being for the well-beings of so many people around me locally and also abroad.

With that being said I have ideas --- yep lots of them. They are brewing, stirring, churning in my noggin and I think now that I have faced the music it is time to start making thoughts into actions. And I leave this post with a wonderful song that motivates me cause it speaks to so many things. Happy Tuesday, keep reading I'll start posting more - stay posted to more changes!

Another Year Down

Well I welcome my 22nd year of life with a smile on my face and gratitude to where the last year has led me. While many people take the time to do this on New Years starting with new resolutions and goals for a new  year, I think people have it all wrong. Why do it when the years changes, we wouldn't be who we are without a day of birth. So reflecting back on my 21st year of life I take time to soak all up and to really be thankful and happy for another day of birth. What better way to do that than through some photos!

In a year I have learned a lot and maybe I am more aware because I am a year wiser (highly doubtful). From going out for my first legal drink I rang in a new year with friends and Phil and Sam. I spent time with family on the boat as well. I have gained a second family working for the family I work for in Kalamazoo and get to hang out with two now three amazing boys, they help me my soul young. I experienced what it was like to tackle a long distance relationship with a boy who works for the Tigers and the perks that come with that as well as the highs and unfortunate lows. I also did things this past summer like sail for the first time with Caroline what a blast. We welcomed new comers to decorate cookies. I moved into a new place that I call home in Kalamazoo and started from scratch decorating, making it cozy and adjusting to living with a new roommate. We welcomed Christmas with a real tree and decorations. I took up a new hobby of mountain biking and love it! I learned to enjoy different types of music by attending it in concert. I welcomed a new sister and threw a bridal shower and stood in the wedding. Family growing is pretty awesome if I do say so myself. I realized how fantastic Britt is as a person and friend and was able to celebrate her birthday in October and she made a couple trips to see me in Kalamazoo for a night out and a night in -- both times classics! I have also become close to others and it is so refreshing to be surrounded by people who lift you up, make you experience experiences I wouldn't normally do (paintballing, etc.) and having your back always. I had the opportunity to finish a year of course work and teach a awesome young man who is something else and that smile above still gets me and puts a smile on my face and giggle in my belly. I conquered a 10k, now on to a half marathon. I experience friends and Brads life accomplishments. I have struggled and dealt with family trials and health, and I am firm believer it makes us all stronger. 

All of these events and there are many I am forgetting have shaped and led me to so much & as this year bring another birthday I take a moment to realize that my birthday marks a month from being back from Africa. What a beautiful thing, what a beautiful thing that experience has done to me and how it has shaped me. I think it is a good day to celebrate!

I start my 22nd year of life with a bang! I wanna take all the good in and be away with the bad and negative life sucking things in my life. I want to laugh more, live more, do more, help more. Be more. I wanna make new friends and become closer with the old ones and filter out the ones who don't care. Life is too short to not be living it. And with each new year we are blessed with the good fortunes of getting yet another shot at living life to its fullest and embracing it all. After all laughter, friends, family, the goals in which I set for myself are good they are rejuvenating. And like never before I am motivated and driven in a whole new way. Here is to my 22nd year of life where changes will happen, memories will be made, pictures will capture those moments, and laughter will be had followed with those tears that are necessary to fill the scars and burns that life will always throw our way. 

Happy Birthday to me! And thank you to all who made my birthday celebrations so truly special --- you all are amazing && I love you!

*****

NEW && IMPROVED!

FollowThrough has a new look with new changes and links, etc. I plan to post more about it soon, until then keep reading, keep smiling & keep loving!

One last thing -- I want to end this post with something Britt wrote in my birthday card, I love it and it really sums up the essence of this whole post:

"I hope that your birthday brings you great joy, but more importantly I hope that each day from here on out brings you great joy. That you will be able to wake up each day and be reminded of this one thing 'This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.- Psalm 118:24 --- Make every second of your 22nd year count!"

Thank you!

This post is far overdue and so necessary and today feels like a good day to be thankful for all of you!

My parents. They both deserve a standing ovation for parenting and allowing all three of us to run free. They have to think I am crazy by now, but I'd like to think that they know I know what I'm doing. I have been so blessed with great parents who let me chase after my crazy dreams and who never set limits on what I can do. They have continually encouraged and allowed me to do what my heart feels. I have no clue where this drive and desire to go do good comes from but I have to give credit to my parents. They have allowed us to grow up on a childhood where we could do and be whatever we wanted to do. And while some times parent child relationships can bring its challenges they have never, ever held my brothers and I back from doing whatever we wanted to do. While they might not always agree with the decisions or desires we believe are the best, they always allowed us to figure out for ourselves. When approached with the desire to go to Africa they were not hesitant to let me go (well maybe, but I never felt a doubt). That is something truly remarkable. It is easy to take for granted parents and I have learned that while being in Dakar. There have been times where I have felt held back, and clipped of the wings to fly. However with Dakar I really let go, I went out on a limb and thankfully I was able to have the support of my parents. I will never truly be able to tell them how thankful I am for all that they do and have done for our family and for each one of us individually. I know that the three of us kids are different from one another and each of us strive for different things and want different things out of life, however my parents create a bond that hold us all together and allows us to build off of each others strengthens and weaknesses. That is something truly remarkable and heartwarming. I hope one day to be able to provide my children with the lifestyle, hopes, dreams, and motivations that I have been so blessed with. It is not every child who can say that they have had parents who have allowed them to do or be whatever they have wanted to be, luckily I am one who can say that. And I want to let my parents know I am truly thankful for that. They allowed me to travel half way around the world and embark on a journey one in its own and to truly embrace and touch the lives of others without any question as to why. And even since i have returned I have been moved by the motivation and determination to keep doing more.It is with their guidance, love, support, and times of space that has allowed me thrive and flourish into who I am becoming as an adult. And while I still need their guidance and love as I mature into an adult I know that with what they have given me throughout the years I will continue to grow and flourish into whom ever I want to become. And I will always know, and want them to know, that it is due to their continued love and support and their guidance to this point in my life. I owe a great deal of thankfulness, love, and gratitude to them. Without their love and support I would not have been able to travel abroad and would not feel the motivation and movement towards my future. I love them with all my heart and am from the bottom of my heart thankful for both of you. I love you.

Bradley. Thank you for reminding me to keep dreaming and to follow my own dreams. Although the thought of me being half way around the world was quite the change to our relationship you never once hesitated for me to go, and for that I am so beyond thankful. I am so thankful for you being part of my life and bringing me such joy and happiness and always pushing me to keep reaching for more and doing what my heart tells me to do. I am also so thankful for those numerous FaceTime chats where all I could do was cry. I tried to seal it up with a bow and nice colorful wrapping paper however you have a way of breaking me down and making me feel comfortable enough to not keep it all locked up and to let it out. Thank you for sticking with me through it all and being so supportive and encouraging throughout my whole time prior, during and after. You have really been a trooper.I am so thankful for being in a relationship that challenges each other to be all that we can be all while challenging our relationship to new heights.We have grown so much in this past year and I think Dakar has only helped flourish us. You are amazing and you continue to encourage me and chase your own dreams daily and that is something that is contagious and inspiring. Your love is so great and your drive and passion for living life is something my life needed almost six years ago. I love you so much, thank you, thank you, thank you (it's real ;)). 

Family.Not many will say that they have traveled to Africa in their lifetime. However my family both Matt and Phil and all my relatives have been so supportive throughout this whole process.Both sides of my family have been amazing and that is not a fair enough statement. I do not think I took into account the importance of family as much as I do now prior to leaving. Family is such a crucial part of life. It is within family that you find your greatest strength, your greatest encouragement, and most importantly love. Throughout this whole process I have felt so loved. By all people in my life. Thank you to all family members who encourage me to present my findings, share my stories and photos, and who have been so overwhelming proud of what I have done. While I do not need people to be proud of me, it motivates me to keep doing something positive. While being gone my brother proposed to his girlfriend, Sam, and that in itself is something so special. I am so thankful both of my brothers have found someone who will continue to encourage, support,and love them in their life goals and families. Family will continue to grow and flourish in love and with that comes greatness in this great world. Thank you family for doing that to me, for expanding my heart in love and passion for what I believe in and for backing me up in every step of my life. 

Friends. Whether you are part of my co-hort, friends from high school, friends from college, friends from family, or strangers awaiting to become friends. I thank you.You have given me words of encouragement and praise and have moved me to want to do great things not only while abroad but upon my return.Your words prior to departure reassured me what I was doing was meant to be and while over there I felt so blessed and praised upon my departure and return. A special shout out goes to Brittany for being such a motivator and encourager and one who has allowed me to take my time processing it all and filtering through it all, you are amazing and that is an understatement. And while I categorize all that have supported me under the category of 'friends' please know that each one of you is considered as family and are not truly getting the recognition you truly and wholeheartedly deserve.I am beyond words in thanking all of you for the financial, kinds words, prayers, sweet messages and posts while on this journey! Without you I would not be the person I am today and for that I am forever grateful for whatever path lead me or you into my life.  So THANK YOU for all that you have done and continue to do friends. You are all so truly special!

Jen aka 'Fish'. It is still so silly to me how a trip and a passion for a career brought us to Dakar and to share a bed together for three weeks. It makes me giggle writing this because you and I didn't really know each other but we still chose our seats next to each other and roomed together on a limb. Little did I know that the limb we went out on would form such a bond and friendship. I honestly do not think you will ever truly know how much you mean to me and how much you have done for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sitting with me through the tears, venting, laughing, crying, shouting, all of it with me for three weeks. I tried to explain to someone about you and  my trip and in all honesty you are the one who got me through it. I am forever grateful for the experience that you and I and the rest of us went on, but you get me in a way not many do and you got me in just a few short days. I have a hard time putting it all in to words, but you are truly a top notch person and will forever hold a special spot in my heart. I will never forget one of our last nights in Dakar and me ironing our clothes and absolutely losing it while talking to you, thank you for the words that you spoke but mainly for all the unspoken things. You allowed me to feel emotions that I never knew existed without feeling judged and accepted me for the vulnerable girl that I was through this whole experience. You held my hand through it all and made me giggle, laugh things off, cry things off, and just go "only in Africa." You didn't have to say a words and you didn't need to give me a hug, I knew you got where I was coming from and you let me talk and cry it out. That night was raw that night was real, and that night will mean so  much to me for the rest of my life. That night I found a friend, I saw what it was like to accepted, loved, and understood. I wish there were better words to form exactly what I am thinking and feeling but this will have to suffice. Just know that I am beyond words thankful for all that you have done, continue to do without knowing, and all that you are. This probably sounds like some love letter to you, but I think we both plus all who traveled with us will understand that it probably is some form of love and that no one should question us, ha ha ha (only you will probably understand this part lol). And yes I am balling writing this, with laughter through the tears because I am crying because of what is in my heart not able to express on my blog but laughing because I can hear you asking me "KATIE WHY ARE YOU CRYING."  You are my fish to my chips. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

A fire has been lit for me to continue to following my dreams and heart. And that is something that is so truly remarkable. Through the heartache, the laughter, through it all I have been so unbelievable blessed with kind souls and hearts who have made this all possible. Through all the prayers and so much more I have been able to experience an amazing and life changing experience that will forever impact and change and shape my life. And for that no words truly will express how thankful, grateful, and appreciative I am for what everyone has done.

So many doors have opened up and so many opportunities have come about and I can only be humbled and grateful for all that has come from me traveling abroad. With that, I would once again like to extend my deepest and most heartfelt gratitude for all of you who have supported, loved, prayed, and kept me reaching for more. You have been such an inspiration and motivation for me. And I hope to continue to share my life journey with you all. 

Finally writing this all out has shown me and opened a new door for me to finally accept that I am changed. My heart. My mind. My soul are forever molded and changed. And that is such a beautiful thing, it really truly is.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

BLESSED!

Timing

If there is one thing that has been ever present since my return home it would be timing. From the get go of ever deciding to travel to Dakar timing played a crucial role in my decisions.

A week or so ago a babies time to enter this world was due, however it wasn't the right timing for that little man to make his debut and now a week later as I sit and ramble in a new post, that little man is making his timing count by making us wait patiently as he makes his world appearance. And with his delay came time for me to escape from Kalamazoo and visit with Bradley, which I missed greatly. I can't put my finger on one specific moment that made the time with Brad so great, but if there is one thing I can take away from my trip it would be quality time, and that is what the past five days have been quality time spent with a quality guy. And within that time away from the hustle and bustle of being back in Kalamazoo I found quiet moments in which I was able to sit down, reflect, and put my memories into words that is due to the University tomorrow [its already turned in].

July fourth brought about many family traditions that are easy to take for granted however the simplicity and time well spent with family is top notch. The day was a hot one however it was with my family so it didn't matter. It was finally time for me to face the music and to share my pictures and stories from my journey. I did it, yes, but it was hard. I showed pictures with smiles and stories to follow but I relived it all. And while I relived it I was reminded that I wasn't in Dakar I was in Ludington and that my belly was full, my heart felt loved and I was surrounded by family. It was fulfilling, but also a sting overtook me because I was finally forced to share my sacred memories and feelings and to showcase those little faces that stole my heart forever. I held back the tears I swollowed that lump you get when the flood gates are about to break, and I showcased with pride my trip. I was happy, I was sad, I was a hundred other things that don't have adjectives to describe it. But I did it, and I will continue to do it because it is what I am supposed to do.  Thank you family for embracing it all.

In a week and a half time or so I have been able to look through pictures, watch the videos, relive those moments that brought me such happiness and am continually encouraged to keep finding the motivation and encouragement from others to continue to do good from a far over there. And while I am very content and happy being surrounded by family and friends back in my safe bubble, I still struggle daily with the reality outside of here. The pictures and videos and story sharing with others is amazing and so wonderful for me to do, however it tears at my heartstrings every time I am asked about it. I want to share I really do and that is the honest truth but I just don't know how. It's coming though, day by day, and I am even more motivated by my developed photos and others movements, words, and photos of traveling and being able to share my special trip with friends and family.

Time has also led me to the episode of Gene Simmons:Family Jewel episode 2 of his travels to Zambia. I cried watching it yet through the tears came a smile and an overwhelming feeling of happiness and gratitude for my trip to Dakar and those feelings that are forever engrained in me. I clapped in delight and gazed in awe and was so thankful that my dad informed me of the episode I feel like  motivation  that will lead me to other trips and other movements toward success!

Perhaps time will lead me to Zambia where I will be immersed in those beautiful schools where I can once again here those beats strum through the dance moves, and the native tongue fill my ears with an unknown message, but a language all their own.I truly miss those aspects from being back home.

And while I do not know where time may take me I do know that adjusting and processing takes time, patience, gratitude, storytelling, crying, laughter, and acceptance of it all.

That's the beauty of it, time is in place to make us go places, allows us to arrive on time, lets us know where we're delayed. And in each life moment God has created these moments of time that will forever change us.These moments of time also make us slow down to appreciate, accept, and be moved to greatness.

All in all, Time will tell.

Whirlwind.

In one day I was in Dakar and then New York and then landed in Detroit reunited with my parents and Bradley. Luggage claimed. Hugged goodbye to my travel buddies. Packed the car. Dropped Brad off. Traveled to Holland. Arrived in Holland at 1am. 12 hours of travel. Quick shower. Bed. Awake at 9. Exhausted. Pedicure. Guilt. Chiropractor adjustment with a massage. Guilt. Tears. Family Time. sleep. so on and so forth.

Breathe in. 
Breathe out.

This week has been exhausting not only physically, thank you jet lag, but emotionally.We were warned that coming back would be harder than going over there, and while I wondered how it could actually be harder coming back to something familiar considering what my initial thoughts were landing in Dakar. The past four days have been harder than any days spent in Dakar [I use that semi-lightly]. I have reflected, cried, laughed, reminisced, and enjoyed the things I missed about home, and felt a large amount of guilt that sneaks in randomly throughout my days. Guilt is hard and when you feel guilty about everything it makes it even harder, and therefore I think that is why it is so hard to process and re-acclimate to being home. I'm learning it is a process.

I am longing to feel anything, anything at all. I feel as though I am existing as life moves all around me. It saddens me because just four days ago I was in a place where I lived in the moment and absorbed everything. I knew it would be hard to transition back, I did, however I did not realize I would be affected in this capacity. It is so hard to explain I have a sense of rejuvenation, a drive, a new being that is pulsing through me however as I sit and write this I feel nothing, I feel hollow, I feel a longing for something I cannot put my finger on. I'm sure the definition behind this all is culture shock

It's in the pictures I have been unable to show many where my heart still exists. Its in those eyes, those smiles, those hands, those beings.Its in that place.

There is nothing more you can do other than take in each breathe, release it, and repeat, and take each day as it comes. I have found that it might get harder before it gets easier and that's okay, it's hard, but it will all be well.

It'll all come full circle and I will find a way to embed my precious memories into my daily life and continue on with the life I lead here. I was built up in Dakar, and broken down here but I realize that here is where I need to change, I need to reflect, process and filter and it will all eventually settle. 

Do not get me wrong I am so thankful to be back home and back into what is comfortable and to be able to share my experiences, however I think I am not ready to let it all out yet. I have seen little glimpses of my journey seep out through my lips and the sound stings and I feel compelled to  suck the words back in, they aren't ready. I'm not ready. And either is my heart. It's a tug-a-war relationship I want to share, I want to shout about it from a roof top, I want the world to know, I want to share it all. I have been asked "what was your favorite part?" "What was the hardest thing you saw?" "What was the worst part?" ---- I have answers to them all, however right now there wasn't a favorite part, it all was. And yes there were horrible parts but that doesn't overtake the people, the spirit, Dakar. 

And maybe I can't talk about it yet because then I would be living off the memories instead of keeping it all to myself and acting like some part of me is still there doing something for those kids. Maybe that was the void I was feeling when I left, I do not feel like my part is done there, I feel compelled to go back, I feel compelled to keep those moments, those faces, everything alive in me and around me. I just do not have answers, or feelings, or anything right now. And that's okay, for now.

And as I settle back into the old routines and some of my habits I always keep the past three weeks in my mind and heart. I continue to pray heavily on figuring everything out and to have the big man help me along my way and help me process through things the way that I should. That has brought comfort it has brought someone along through the highs and lows and ins and outs of returning back to the United State --- Michigan --- Holland --- Kalamazoo.

To sum it all up for now I resort to my go to but ever clever devotional book, I swear it knows me, it is slightly creepy:

" Wait patiently with me while I bless you. Don't rush into My Presence with time-consciousness gnawing at your mind. I dwell in timelessness: I am, I was, I will always be. For you, time is a protection; you're a frail creature who can handle only twenty-four-hour segments of life. Time can also be a tyrant, ticking away relentlessly in your mind. Learn to master time, or it will be your master. Though you are a time-bound creature, seek to meet Me in timelessness. As you focus on My Presence, the demands of time and tasks will diminish. I will bless you and keep you, making My Face shine upon you graciously, giving you Peace."

[Jesus Calling Devotional Book]