Six & One {T&C}

It's official that Fall has sprung and the temperatures call for blankets, sweatshirts, a tea kettles whistling however Fall always brings up moments that make you stop and pause for a minute and realize how short life can be. 

 It is hard to believe that almost six years ago a childhood friend passed away in a car accident less than a mile away from my house. I remember the day like it was yesterday and every November it sinks back in what happened. I believe that moments like those should regardless of the heartache, pain, and questioning. I spent the weekend in Ludington after Thanksgiving dinner with my family where I experienced my first real dates with a boy I had a mad crush on. It was in those first days of our relationship that I experienced the first real tragedy I experienced in my life. I remember playing cards with my cousin Taylor laughing at who would catch on the to the rules. My grandma was on the phone when I returned home from lunch to play cards, and I didn't think much of it. Until the phone was handed to me. I really didn't think much of it, I tried getting a hold of my mom earlier in the day but she was busy and would call me back. What she was busy with I wish wasn't what occupied her time. She broke the news on how Tonya had been in a car accident and lost her life and how B may or may not be okay, it was all so surreal. I packed. I made some calls. 

 I held Brad's hand as he drove me home, to be exactly where I needed to be. Home with my family. 

The couples weeks that followed were unreal, I had never experienced anything like what had happened and I could not believe it happened. We had visitations, a funeral and my life as a high schooler still continued. I went to school, practiced for volleyball, repeat. It was a blur. Four days after her funeral I tore my ACL, I couldn't be sad though, other people had it so much worse. 

Last year, a year ago actually today, I was together with friends to wind down from the week and take part in our daily ritual. Watch Jersey Shore with a glass of wine. A phone call came to Brad and the news was broke again. Yet again another neighbor, another shaking moment for our neighborhood and for yet another family that didn't deserve this pain. The whole apartment shook with the words that spoke the truth of what happened.

 I held Brad's hand as he drove me home, to be exactly where I needed to be. Home with my family. 

The only moment that flashed through my head is "No,no,no I just talked to his sister, he's getting married this weekend!" I remember how it felt, it must have been a joke, how could two people that I grew up with, that my brother was close to be gone... I felt like something like that could only happen once, why twice? Any why to two amazing families. It didn't seem fair. It didn't seem right. And while I wasn't extremely close to the family at the time, I could never underestimate the memories shared, let alone the pain, heartache, everything. It was a flashback, one that tore at raw emotions one would only hope to never feel again. I traveled home that night, but returned the next day. 

I went home dressed in dark clothes on Tuesday after class. I went to another funeral of a life too short to consider full. It was a bittersweet feeling, one where you are surrounded by so many people who you know love and support you, but where seeing them in the state you were are in is just not fair. Why couldn't it just be a summer barbeque? Not that any funeral is fun, but when it comes at such a tragic time and when it is so unexpected and before one very important day in someones life and when two lives are taken. It's hard. Why is it that moments like these are so vivid when you look back at them? I will never forget walking in being torn to the open casket and then turning around to Ross. Ross. My childhood buddy who I haven't seen in ages cause he moved to North Carolina, he was home. He grabbed me pulled me in and hugged me. Regardless of when you see someone, the memories you share can really help out in a time I was in. The funeral was raw with bleeding emotion, beautiful stories, and sweet melodies. 

 Its been almost six year since the passing of Tonya, and today marks a year for Chad. The vivid images come flooding back from both days, like putting salt on a open wound, but it does get easier over time. 

I am so lucky to have been raised in such a family-like neighborhood, one that is still filled with so many memories and friends. And as we have all grown up and taken off on our own journeys we all still hold a precious piece of a childhood that was truly top notch. So when things happen like things that have happened six and almost one years ago it is hard to see families you have grown up with suffer, and one thing I have found is everyone of my neighborhood families suffers too. We all take a different approach to life, and we always step in when necessary and give space when it is needed. We have prepared meals, we have visited, we have hugged, cried, laughed, and remembered. And that is so humbling to remember when anniversaries come about every year. 

Not many people my age can say that they have experience such a loss, and while when Tonya passed I struggled to bounce back, I realize now I bounced back so much stronger. I have learned that it is okay to be sad, that it is okay to feel the highs and lows and in-betweens of what loss includes. I have learned that it is okay to have questions and to be frustrated, angry, and completely not understand. However great things can come out of great tragedy. It will always take time to figure out exactly why though. 

 Fall brings beauty but for some it also brings a reminder of sad days along the way. Hold close to those you love, and let them know.

So it begins...

I have learned through almost blogging for a year, that I have fallen in love with blogging, blogs, and other peoples stories. I have also learned about how amazing this type of outlet is. I can see stats on how many people have read and it is overwhelming but so wonderful! Although I am currently surrounded by textbooks, assignments screaming to be completed here I am blogging. I am crossing my fingers in hopes that I will be able to pop in once a week, and hopefully Sundays will turn into more 'I am' poems.

I have had an overwhelming couple weeks. One that has resulted in a lot of organization, being flexible, being reunited with old colleagues and realizations. I mentioned last post on how things are changing and how this is my last year at Western.


This week I have yearned for home or from some escape from this place. My apartment. My college. From everything. I have struggled.

In all honesty I think it is a combination of a lot of things. While I well seasoned in being a professional college student every year brings something new. This year the whole College of Education is in a new building, it is beautiful, spacious, and very up to date.It is beautiful. However it is something very new and something that shows signs of an ending. I am eager to graduate and move on, however I still have found such a comfort in so many things.

For one. Would be the family I nanny for. Those little ones have captured my heart and have made me fall in love with my future profession and while most days they are great birth control I look forward to the day when I'm older and can have my own babies. They have been such a stress reliever on occasions and have been great advice when I need it.

I am thankful also for the new friends I have made, the laughs and giggles I will forever cherish, and most importantly I have grown. I have become a mini adult, which at times is so frusterating, but I have learned to manage money, time, bills, and living away from my parents. And while my time at Western is closing in and it makes me so happy I find it still important to step back and look at the bigger picture of what I have gained from moving away from home and getting a college education, there are so many things that contribute to my education. For all those I am grateful.

There are so many thoughts swirling through my brain and as I have a weekend to semi-relax I hope to capture it all in a better post, this one was been going on since day one of this semester, until then stay tuned and thank you for reading!

Change & Comfort

It's so crazy to think that it is already September and with that school begins and cooler temperatures begin to fill the air and warm breezes cool into a crisp fall chill and the leaves begin to crisp and change. While I have had the most amazing summer I've had in a while I am still looking forward to the comforts of a set routine and being one step closer to being done with school.

I am looking forward to the fall comforts that college has grown to make me love. I grew up a summer girl thriving off of the sunshine, sand between my toes, melting ice cream, and sun kissed skin. I've learned quite quickly that once you hit a semi-adulthood lifestyle work days and other commitments slowly creep in and make the beach life priority slide by the wayside slightly. sigh.

I will however miss the days where you can do whatever the day brings, where you can lounge all day and not have a care in the world, where meeting with friends last minute is okay, and when road trips to the east side on a Tuesday evening fits perfectly into the day.

But since there are some things in life that we cannot help but embrace we might as well take the time and welcome fall with open arms and with that my toes curl in delight over thinking of: hoodies, boots, apple crisp, apple cider, football games with friends, pretty fall colors, open windows with Fall smells swirling through the walls of my apartment, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin patches, apple orchards, amazing evening runs,raking up leaves for the boys to jump in and have them relive some of my favorite childhood Fall memories, pumpkin carving, Halloween dressing up with friends, candles of pumpkins, cinnamon, goodness! I'm sure there is more to add to the list, but I really am starting to embrace this chillier season. It's new territory but there is a beauty and comforting sense that comes with the change of season.

...Did I mention pumpkin spice lattes, yeah I really love them back when I wasn't a fan of Fall those things kept me toasty while I tip toed through fall to the still dreaded winter.... I keep coffee shops in way to good of business [bad habit]

And while it is evident when Fall approaches due to the leaves changing and much cooler temperatures from the summer we have all endured, there is still many changes I am still facing and sorting through. I have always been one to enjoy school, I'm a book worm, I sport my nerd flag high, and I love seeing where I am placed for my practicums. This new school year brings much more anxiety, its a new beginning however it is closing in on my time here at Western. My time with my three favorite little boys. It's about to all change. I cannot wrap my head around it all yet and it makes me anxious. Yes, I know all will be well, but it is still challenging for me. Before I can truly accept that is all about to happen I need to change many things that are putting up barriers in front of enjoying all my new moments and comfort. Tuesday brings my senior year and it is time to live it up, embrace it, and filter through all the non sense. Fall will surely bring change. Lets hope it works out well. Prayers please!

With Fall I am expecting some changes. Changes that will help my sanity. Changes that will help my friends. Changes that will help my stress levels. Changes that will make me happier. Changes that will hopefully be good! Change that will bring comfort [fingers crossed].