It's official that Fall has sprung and the temperatures call for blankets, sweatshirts, a tea kettles whistling however Fall always brings up moments that make you stop and pause for a minute and realize how short life can be.
It is hard to believe that almost six years ago a childhood friend passed away in a car accident less than a mile away from my house. I remember the day like it was yesterday and every November it sinks back in what happened. I believe that moments like those should regardless of the heartache, pain, and questioning. I spent the weekend in Ludington after Thanksgiving dinner with my family where I experienced my first real dates with a boy I had a mad crush on. It was in those first days of our relationship that I experienced the first real tragedy I experienced in my life. I remember playing cards with my cousin Taylor laughing at who would catch on the to the rules. My grandma was on the phone when I returned home from lunch to play cards, and I didn't think much of it. Until the phone was handed to me. I really didn't think much of it, I tried getting a hold of my mom earlier in the day but she was busy and would call me back. What she was busy with I wish wasn't what occupied her time. She broke the news on how Tonya had been in a car accident and lost her life and how B may or may not be okay, it was all so surreal. I packed. I made some calls.
I held Brad's hand as he drove me home, to be exactly where I needed to be. Home with my family.
The couples weeks that followed were unreal, I had never experienced anything like what had happened and I could not believe it happened. We had visitations, a funeral and my life as a high schooler still continued. I went to school, practiced for volleyball, repeat. It was a blur. Four days after her funeral I tore my ACL, I couldn't be sad though, other people had it so much worse.
Last year, a year ago actually today, I was together with friends to wind down from the week and take part in our daily ritual. Watch Jersey Shore with a glass of wine. A phone call came to Brad and the news was broke again. Yet again another neighbor, another shaking moment for our neighborhood and for yet another family that didn't deserve this pain. The whole apartment shook with the words that spoke the truth of what happened.
I held Brad's hand as he drove me home, to be exactly where I needed to be. Home with my family.
The only moment that flashed through my head is "No,no,no I just talked to his sister, he's getting married this weekend!" I remember how it felt, it must have been a joke, how could two people that I grew up with, that my brother was close to be gone... I felt like something like that could only happen once, why twice? Any why to two amazing families. It didn't seem fair. It didn't seem right. And while I wasn't extremely close to the family at the time, I could never underestimate the memories shared, let alone the pain, heartache, everything. It was a flashback, one that tore at raw emotions one would only hope to never feel again. I traveled home that night, but returned the next day.
I went home dressed in dark clothes on Tuesday after class. I went to another funeral of a life too short to consider full. It was a bittersweet feeling, one where you are surrounded by so many people who you know love and support you, but where seeing them in the state you were are in is just not fair. Why couldn't it just be a summer barbeque?
Not that any funeral is fun, but when it comes at such a tragic time and when it is so unexpected and before one very important day in someones life and when two lives are taken. It's hard. Why is it that moments like these are so vivid when you look back at them? I will never forget walking in being torn to the open casket and then turning around to Ross. Ross. My childhood buddy who I haven't seen in ages cause he moved to North Carolina, he was home. He grabbed me pulled me in and hugged me. Regardless of when you see someone, the memories you share can really help out in a time I was in. The funeral was raw with bleeding emotion, beautiful stories, and sweet melodies.
Its been almost six year since the passing of Tonya, and today marks a year for Chad. The vivid images come flooding back from both days, like putting salt on a open wound, but it does get easier over time.
I am so lucky to have been raised in such a family-like neighborhood, one that is still filled with so many memories and friends. And as we have all grown up and taken off on our own journeys we all still hold a precious piece of a childhood that was truly top notch. So when things happen like things that have happened six and almost one years ago it is hard to see families you have grown up with suffer, and one thing I have found is everyone of my neighborhood families suffers too. We all take a different approach to life, and we always step in when necessary and give space when it is needed. We have prepared meals, we have visited, we have hugged, cried, laughed, and remembered. And that is so humbling to remember when anniversaries come about every year.
Not many people my age can say that they have experience such a loss, and while when Tonya passed I struggled to bounce back, I realize now I bounced back so much stronger. I have learned that it is okay to be sad, that it is okay to feel the highs and lows and in-betweens of what loss includes. I have learned that it is okay to have questions and to be frustrated, angry, and completely not understand. However great things can come out of great tragedy. It will always take time to figure out exactly why though.
Fall brings beauty but for some it also brings a reminder of sad days along the way. Hold close to those you love, and let them know.
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