Whirlwind.

In one day I was in Dakar and then New York and then landed in Detroit reunited with my parents and Bradley. Luggage claimed. Hugged goodbye to my travel buddies. Packed the car. Dropped Brad off. Traveled to Holland. Arrived in Holland at 1am. 12 hours of travel. Quick shower. Bed. Awake at 9. Exhausted. Pedicure. Guilt. Chiropractor adjustment with a massage. Guilt. Tears. Family Time. sleep. so on and so forth.

Breathe in. 
Breathe out.

This week has been exhausting not only physically, thank you jet lag, but emotionally.We were warned that coming back would be harder than going over there, and while I wondered how it could actually be harder coming back to something familiar considering what my initial thoughts were landing in Dakar. The past four days have been harder than any days spent in Dakar [I use that semi-lightly]. I have reflected, cried, laughed, reminisced, and enjoyed the things I missed about home, and felt a large amount of guilt that sneaks in randomly throughout my days. Guilt is hard and when you feel guilty about everything it makes it even harder, and therefore I think that is why it is so hard to process and re-acclimate to being home. I'm learning it is a process.

I am longing to feel anything, anything at all. I feel as though I am existing as life moves all around me. It saddens me because just four days ago I was in a place where I lived in the moment and absorbed everything. I knew it would be hard to transition back, I did, however I did not realize I would be affected in this capacity. It is so hard to explain I have a sense of rejuvenation, a drive, a new being that is pulsing through me however as I sit and write this I feel nothing, I feel hollow, I feel a longing for something I cannot put my finger on. I'm sure the definition behind this all is culture shock

It's in the pictures I have been unable to show many where my heart still exists. Its in those eyes, those smiles, those hands, those beings.Its in that place.

There is nothing more you can do other than take in each breathe, release it, and repeat, and take each day as it comes. I have found that it might get harder before it gets easier and that's okay, it's hard, but it will all be well.

It'll all come full circle and I will find a way to embed my precious memories into my daily life and continue on with the life I lead here. I was built up in Dakar, and broken down here but I realize that here is where I need to change, I need to reflect, process and filter and it will all eventually settle. 

Do not get me wrong I am so thankful to be back home and back into what is comfortable and to be able to share my experiences, however I think I am not ready to let it all out yet. I have seen little glimpses of my journey seep out through my lips and the sound stings and I feel compelled to  suck the words back in, they aren't ready. I'm not ready. And either is my heart. It's a tug-a-war relationship I want to share, I want to shout about it from a roof top, I want the world to know, I want to share it all. I have been asked "what was your favorite part?" "What was the hardest thing you saw?" "What was the worst part?" ---- I have answers to them all, however right now there wasn't a favorite part, it all was. And yes there were horrible parts but that doesn't overtake the people, the spirit, Dakar. 

And maybe I can't talk about it yet because then I would be living off the memories instead of keeping it all to myself and acting like some part of me is still there doing something for those kids. Maybe that was the void I was feeling when I left, I do not feel like my part is done there, I feel compelled to go back, I feel compelled to keep those moments, those faces, everything alive in me and around me. I just do not have answers, or feelings, or anything right now. And that's okay, for now.

And as I settle back into the old routines and some of my habits I always keep the past three weeks in my mind and heart. I continue to pray heavily on figuring everything out and to have the big man help me along my way and help me process through things the way that I should. That has brought comfort it has brought someone along through the highs and lows and ins and outs of returning back to the United State --- Michigan --- Holland --- Kalamazoo.

To sum it all up for now I resort to my go to but ever clever devotional book, I swear it knows me, it is slightly creepy:

" Wait patiently with me while I bless you. Don't rush into My Presence with time-consciousness gnawing at your mind. I dwell in timelessness: I am, I was, I will always be. For you, time is a protection; you're a frail creature who can handle only twenty-four-hour segments of life. Time can also be a tyrant, ticking away relentlessly in your mind. Learn to master time, or it will be your master. Though you are a time-bound creature, seek to meet Me in timelessness. As you focus on My Presence, the demands of time and tasks will diminish. I will bless you and keep you, making My Face shine upon you graciously, giving you Peace."

[Jesus Calling Devotional Book]